Lamppost Crime Fighting...

He's so good, the crime comes to him!
X

A story for Luke :)

Once there was a boy called Luke. One day whilst visiting his local supermarket he ran into a porpoise. Him and the porpoise both went simultaneously for the last tub of Phish Food Ben 'N' Jerry's Ice cream. They stared into each others eyes for a long time, both with a hand firmly grasping the cold tub. It occurred to the porpoise then. he could share the ice cream and so he brought Luke back to his small home at the bottom of the ocean.

On the way home, the two collided with a rushing badger, who was apologising profusely saying he was in a desperate need for some Ben 'N' Jerry's. Why we have some here, replied the porpoise with a wide grin on his face, and so the badger joined them on their way home.

They made it home and the porpoise ran to get three spoons. The three sat out in the garden eating ice cream and sharing stories about love and mutual respect. Unfortunately whilst out in the garden the porpoise's home was robbed by a crazed seahorse recently escaped from prison.

This however, was a blessing in disguise. The porpoise, left with nothing, went home that night with the badger, and the two fell in love and had several mutant babies. Luke visited every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon bringing ice cream with him to commemorate their meeting.
X

I do believe I love Neil Gaiman...

The "I Believe" speech from Neil Gaiman's "American Gods".

I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen–I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones who look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline of good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of The Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies too. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

x

LOL!

I apologise for the last blog post. I have since slept, and on reading it, find it is not particularly in fitting with the general mood of this blog. I will leave it there, 'cause it's still apiece of writing at the end of the day :P But still yeah, won't happen again :) Writing when I haven't slept for three says does not go well for me
X

INSOMNIAAAA (Yelled like how in the Feeder song of the same name yeahhh?)

Huh? Who knew the title could be that long.
Anyway if this continues I'm going to end up blowing up all the credit card companies and we don't want that, do we? Although that does mean I get to bed Helena Bonham Carter right? :) Every cloud has a gorgeous woman lining it etc. etc.

I love Republica - Ready to go. It's like my favourite song atm. That and God called in sick today - AFI. And I want a mohawk - AFI. And Your so last summer - Taking Back sunday. Rightt no, that's not what I'm here for. I'm so very sleepy. But I shall write a bedtime story, thus putting myself to sleep. Here goes :)

His eyes opened to darkness. A cool breeze enveloped him, causing his arm to sting unexpectedly. The pain showed on his face. They watched him move cautiously, every action slow, unsure. Occasionally he would groan in pain, when open wounds dragged across the cold concrete. It's difficult to recognise a fumbling confused body under the orange street light on such a dark night. His form seemed tiny to the two watching in a mute interest, the jeans clinging to the skin, but the hoodie hanging off his shoulders as if disguising a skeleton; The mass of black hair covering his face entirely, taking his humanity with it. His audience felt excited and scared by his presence. A loud cry of pain, and their mute wonder is broken.
"We should help him" says one.
"No" replies the other.
The cries become louder. Standing is beyond this broken child and defeated he falls back to the ground.
"We need to do something"
The two girls stare with awe. They admire his vulnerability: The evidence of their entrapment, all their hard work. The other, she approaches him, a smile forming on her empty face. A smile which lacks all the qualities a smile should have. Her eyes look white. Her delicate hand with long piercing nails sweeps the hair away from the boy's face. She strokes his face, her fingertips barely touching him. She finds his collar bone and traces it's shape. Her touch is so soft he can't help but shiver. She sits on his hip, still holding the same empty smile. He looks up disorientated. He can't quite focus on her, his eyes dart from side to side. She laughs. She is still stroking his clavicle. She begins to bite her bottom lip. The first, she watches with an anticipating gleam in her also white eyes. Her fingers leave the bone, they palpitate slowly as they travel down his chest. Her touch confuses him, he flinches, he wants to struggle but he just can't bring himself to move. She applies pressure, pushing in on his waist, her nails digging in to his back, her hands under his hoodie, under his top. The skin breaks, the back bleeds.
The boy startles upright, their faces inches apart. Her nails still digging deeper into his back, blood trickling onto the city floor. She leans forward and bites the bottom lip of the boy, lightly but he feels the pain, like an electric shock screaming through his body. He grabs her, clenching a handful of her white blonde hair, forcing her towards him like a child with a toy. He kisses her, he's afraid to let go. He knows this is all there is. She is all he has, he thinks he will die here today. She has him enchanted. And so they kiss and he pulls at her clothes in a sick desperation of a boy out of control.
She stands, leaving him to fall to the floor. The one who watches shouts "Is he dead?"
"No" is the reply once more. And the girls leave, never once looking back. Eventually the boy stirs, crouching memories of blonde hair and hate and magic.
X

I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth...

In the special year of 1994 something amazing happened and then this girl was born and she was really pretty and wonderful. She grew up, meeting lots of important people on the way. 13 years later the girl met this other girl, then about a year after that the other girl realised that the girl was so special and wonderful that she deserved all the happy things in the world. But the world wasn't happy, and the girl didn't get what she deserved. So the two girls made their own world, where nothing could hurt them ever again.
Their world was perfect and beautiful. No one was bad or angry or scared. But as they lived in their world the real world started to fall apart and things went wrong. It occurred to them then that without their world, they couldn't be happy because reality was too fucked up. The fear of losing their world left them to mistrust its certainty and this was the only thing that could break their world.
They decided that this couldn't happen. They knew their world was real, it was as real and certain as rainbows, love, friendship, and unicorns(the world denies them too much!) They fought against reality and everything that it stood for, but not in a violent, horrible way; what they did was close the door and laugh so much they cried, danced, ate, hoped, smiled and loved 'cause they knew that nothing could hold their world together stronger, not even Mega-GlueTM. From that day forward life was good in their world, and even though fro time to time they had to go back to reality, they managed it, 'cause they knew they had the most magnificent and glorious world to go back to.

No matter what.

xx

Human of the year, you won.

Arrrgh! Exams :S

At least Regina says I win :) That's pretty cool, although she's really talking about Carl Projaceterinski(excuse my spelling, that's kinda phonetically done :L)

Anyway, what I'm really here to say, is good luck to everyone doing exams or any sort. We're probably gonna need it! xD

Love love xx

Hey Man,

Let's all agree. Let's stop fucking twats. If he's a cunt no one fucks him. Then eventually all the dickish genes'll die out, and maybe our children's children's children will get fucked over a little less than we do.
This is all
X

P.S. Fuck Tom instead. Tom's lovely =)

I apologise...

Some time ago, you may remember a blog written in despair about the lack of diet Irn Bru. Well I have now been proved wrong in my claims. See I went to my co-op to buy some full fat Irn-Bru, but unfortunately there was none. An offer had been on that day and every last bottle had been sold. Non perturbed, I headed to the second nearest co-op to me, I place I rarely go, in hope of finding some Irn-Bru there. And that I did. Not only Irn Bru, but Diet Irn Bru, bottles and bottles of it
SCORE!
X

Kenneth for PM.

There was once a hedgehog called Kenneth. Kenneth lived a quiet life in a forest, with lots of his little animal friends. One day he decided he'd had enough of the quiet wood and wanted to go on an adventure; most of his friends thought him odd, and begged him not to go, offering him cheese on sticks and shiney objects to tempt him to stay - they were scared of the big world. Kenneth did not succumb to their temptations though and set off on what would be the adventure of a life time, he was certain. On his journey he met many dangerous foes, but Kenneth was able to defeat these with help from the friends he made on his way; these included Steve the woodlouse and Morgan the rabbit. Every night they would sit around a tiny (but completely safe and in conjuncture to every environmental agency rule) fire, and sing songs and laugh and tell each other stories. Kenneth knew he had made the right decision leaving the wood and hoped he would be able to carry on his adventure for a long time to come.

One day while Kenneth and friends were just trundling along the road, they noticed a fuck load of flyers and billboards around telling Human Beings who they should vote for in their election, which they had read about in The Times a few days earlier (So they all now fully understood the political process.)After a good few lengthy discussions amongst themselves they decided that Kenneth should run for Prime Minister. To start up the process they went to visit Winston, the wise old Peacock from the Apothecary around the corner; who knew lots about the politics, having worked as an advisor for Churchill in World War 2. Winston, Kenneth, Steve and Morgan set about raising awareness of their party, and pretty soon, Kenneth was up on the podium giving speeches to millions of viewers nationwide next to Gordon Brown, Nick Clegg, and David Cameron. Kenneth had such wonderful charm and charisma, he could win over any audience, he became a house hold name, badges(and other small trinkets) were made with his name on them, his party became the most popular; and therefore, when the elections came about there could be no confusion as to who would win.

Kenneth won with a landslide victory. He appointed Steve as his Chancellor of the Exchequer, Morgan as his Deputy Prime Minister, and Winston for his advisor on all important issues (including cake making, for this was one of his specialities.) The woodland animals who were Kenneth's old time friends filled in other vacancies that had to be filled, and the government was no longer fucked up or confusing. Under Kenneth everything went smoothly, he made a law that said 'Every Thursday everyone must say hello to a stranger' which made lots of people happy. It made Kenneth happy that he could make others happy. Everything was good from then on.

x

We Keep On Paying Those Freaks On The TV...

Who Say That They'll Save Us, But Want To Enslave Us.

I don't really understand politics.

But I do know that I'll be pissed if the Tories win.

I'm trying to understand a thing on BBC right now, and it's mostly coloured blue, I don't understand much, but I can guess this is a bad thing.

Well done England, you've fucked it up again.

x

So You Wanna Be A Rock 'N' Roll Star?

Well listen now to what I say
Just get an electric guitar and take some time.
Learn how to play.
Just learn how to play

Little Things Make Up A Memory

I love running into the wind. I get hyper like a child. I feel invincible, all that pressure and I'm still running, nothing can stop me. I love the way it hits my face and my skin, and my hoodie starts falling off my shoulders, and my bag hits against my hip. I know I look a state. And people stare. Sometimes it makes me eyes water, but I don't mind. 'Cause I just love the feeling. Nothing can hurt me. Just give me the weather, and I can be happy. Like the rain, and we think it spoils the sunshine. And we get all wet. But it smells so clean, and fresh. And if you're lucky... And your not scared to look up in the middle of the street. You'll see a rainbow.
X

I'm a professional cynic, but my heart's not in it.

I think we've been quite cynical over the course of us 'owning' this blog, I figured out how to add a hit counter (win!) and turns out in 4ish days we've been visited over 150 times, admittedly, I couldn't figure out how to find our IP. addresses, so whenever we log on to check up on it, it still logs us two, but we've not been on 150 times. So, what I'm saying is, there are genuinely people reading this crap! That kinda makes me happy, I hope it's made you lot happy. If it has, you could be nice and comment once in a while to prove that you exist and this isn't just for us two and this other dude who we know checks it every so often, just to make sure he's not mentioned. This time, yes you were, don't get all pissed at us now :)

On another note, this right here ... http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

Is a beautiful blog by a woman I completely agree with, I might have to start using some of her techniques, rather than just getting annoyed with how illiterate this country is becoming, she rather makes me chuckle, and made my day with her 'About' pages.

Go check her out:)

In a non-stalkery way.

Love love xx